Loving myself through seed-slaying thought murder
People keep reminding me I should try to enjoy my single-person alone time. And while I do enjoy my hobbies I find whenever I catch myself un-distracted, I immediately start seeing my thoughts in a spotlight; “What does this mean about me in society?”, “Who am I to others with these thoughts?”, “What might others think about these thoughts?”, “Are these crazy thoughts? Are these cool thoughts? Should I write these thoughts down? Should I share them? Am I fucking Confucious ova here? Am I a narcissistic asshole for even considering that? Do other people feel so self conscious when alone?”
— ok shutup brain, you and I are going on a walk, yes it’s a date, the one people seem to think we should go on —
We walked to the Prospect Hill and then down to Perry park and all the while I started talking to myself and saying things like “Whelp here we are, now what?”. I laid down on the spinny disk at the park and eventually slipped into an extremely peaceful state just staring up at the trees as my head filled with blood. I kept getting thoughts which I thought might be profound, or worth sharing and had the usual tendency to let my thoughts think there was somewhere for them to go, some sort of mission, to enlighten the world, to EXPRESS… I tried just saying my thoughts out loud and as soon as the thoughts became words I felt my brain switch from feeling confident and cozy and natural with the words to feeling like I was doing work, like “I” was now the mediator rather than the originator and had to translate. This translation took the power away from the originator and my thoughts became more about me expressing. I played with that mental transition between think-thoughts and say-thoughts like an exercise, just thinking thoughts and then think-saying and back. I’m trying to remember a deep thing I told myself to remember but I can’t. The one thought I DO remember was thinking that I should try to stop trying to remember my thoughts so I can share them later and that instead I should “keep them for myself”. It’s kinda interesting and true that while I obviously have tons of thoughts I don’t express, whenever I catch myself thinking my own thoughts I instantly start scanning them for impressiveness or share-ability. While my obsession with fame and therefore obsession with social media might exacerbate the problem I think the root reason is just that I feel like my existence as a living conscious being is unique and anything not shared will go with me to the grave. In other words at every moment I have the option to either contribute my uniqueness to society and prosperity, or to trap it indefinitely in non-existence.
[Is that how I consider myself? Non-existence?]
I guess a healthier way to think about it is that my own thoughts that don’t get expressed get…”digested”. That they find some spot in my subconscious to settle in and while they might not be remembered word for word, might color me. By seeping into who I AM rather than what my external collection is they might add to my future interactions as a PERSON, in a richer way than confucious-like quotes would. To just feel a sense of wisdom on some topic might be more helpful and allow me more empathy than words spat out at someone…And while expression comes with it’s potential positive reactions, relying on others to feel good about my internal thoughts is kinda insane. Letting me like them alone, while it may feel selfish or like some sort of biblical jerk-off-holy-seed-slaying thought-murder in the face of mankind’s progress, is like healthier and shit.
Damn that’s fuckin deep shit I should write that down and share it!